What is done in love is done well.

I would love to promise you that I'll get better at updating, but I probably won't. As if I have nothing else better to do. With my hours at work being reduced per my request, I have a lot of time on my hands to update. Maybe I will stick to my word this time.

First of all, Tyler and I have been married for a year and six months!

North Carolina was fantastic. Travel went smoothly. No lost luggage, no missed flights, just fantastic. I wasn't stuck to someone that should've purchased two seats on a plane instead of one, nor did any of them smell, either. I rented a 2014 Chrysler 200 and they're nice cars, they've got a bit more get up and go than my car does. I guess that's why I'm not so patiently waiting for the day we upgrade my car, momma likes her speed!

I picked up Tyler a little after 1 on Friday and we spent the entire weekend together. Probably had a few too many beers, and ate a lot of carbs, but it was fantastic. I met three great guys that he went to MCT with and we hung out with them for awhile, too. I wish I didn't have to leave because it is gorgeous there. I didn't get to have any grand adventures as it rained. The entire time.

Coming back to Valentine always feels bittersweet. I tend to get emotional the closer I get to Valentine after visiting Tyler. I have a love-hate relationship with Valentine. I have made some fantastic life long friends in this town, but it's not my hometown. So coming back here without Tyler is frustrating.

I have a lot that needs done in the next couple months. I need to go through absolutely everything we own and purge a lot of stuff, such as toys that Ella has outgrown and any clothing of Tyler's that has more holes than actual material. He's a sucker for hoarding his work t-shirts. The military would move us, but as I live with my in-laws, I have a storage unit packed full of things and I have things I'll want to take at my parents, I'd rather just pack it all and move it ourselves. There will be some serious investment in totes, along with major purchase from The Container Store. Husband isn't aware of that yet, but that's okay. I'm sure he won't put up a huge fight since I'll be the one taking care of it all!

Tyler begins his MOS schooling here soon. He should be done in mid-August. His sister, Jordan, is getting married May 31st, Sally wants to drive to NC to visit Tyler at some point, we have a family vacation to Missouri at the end of July, and I'll hopefully be finishing packing around the same time that Tyler is coming home, if not well before that. Not to mention, all the camping trips, river trips, and other weddings that I will be attending this summer. Ella and I will be awfully busy while waiting for our Marine to come home!

Long Overdue...

Wow, I am seriously horrible at updating!

Two weeks from today, I will be on a plane headed to North Carolina to see my lovey! I'm super excited. I surprised him at Camp Pendleton on March 16th, which was definitely an experience. Two other girls and I drove there, which ended up being about 48 hours in the car. Utah sucks, by the way. And I think I've officially caught up on all the sleep that I missed that weekend. I've fallen in love with California, the gorgeous weather and, of course, the beach. It's beautiful there. I would love for Tyler to get his first duty station at Camp Pendleton as I already know how to navigate my way around that base. And that's saying a lot, military bases aren't the easiest to get around.

As for my next trip out to see my man, I will be spending Easter weekend with him. Friday through Monday, to be exact. I'm a little nervous to fly on my own, as I've never been in the Atlanta or Raleigh-Durham airports, but I'll survive. My connecting flight to NC is in Atlanta, but on the way back, I'll be going through Minneapolis and I actually understand that airport.

I don't have a ton to update on.  I've cut back my hours to three days a week and I love spending my days off with Ella. It's honestly my favorite thing to do right now. I'm so blessed to have such a smart baby girl (whom is as big as a freaking 6 year old, goodness! That girl is TALL!) that keeps me on my toes with her witty personality. I'm also extremely blessed to have such good friends that I know I can hang out with.

I'll be sure to update y'all about my trip to North Carolina!

The Anxiety of Leaving Your Phone Behind

I was able to talk to Tyler last Sunday, which really helped with me missing him. I love being able to talk to him, it calms me down a lot.

I've been having a rough week, which I'm sure most of it can be blamed on hormones. Fabulous. So, here's to being honest:

I have been feeling such mixed emotions lately. I am glad that Tyler joined the USMC as it gives him something to be proud of, it gives him a job to do that will get not only him, but his family, out of a town that makes you feel like you can't get ahead of the game. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I would be content working at a hotel for another 5 years or so. But that's not what I want to do with my life. Resort management, yes. Working at a small, privately owned hotel, not so much. I'm excited that because of his sacrifices for our family, we're getting out of Valentine - even if it's only for four years. Which we've discussed that if - and when - he gets out of the USMC, I am okay with coming back to Nebraska. It's not ideal to me, I leave a piece of my heart in every place I visit and I'm pretty sure I belong in either Sioux Falls, SD or Denver, CO. I would even say a piece of me belongs in sunny California. But if we come back to Nebraska, we can put our roots down in Kearney, and I would be just fine with that.

So, while I'm proud of him and happy for him, I'm still frustrated with it. It's so hard to get my jumbled thoughts out and make sense of it all, so I'll try. This might be all over the place.

I am a very strong person, emotionally and mentally. I have had a biological father that has been in and out of my life, which left my mom to be my sole provider. I would never, ever change that and I'm not asking for pity. My point is that my mom had to work a full time job and where we lived, she made the most out of her talents by working in the city which happened to be 45 minutes away. After school, I was "on my own" for at least two hours, sometimes more. And I learned a lot. I am thankful for how much I learned during that time and I would never hold it against my mom, ever. I gained a sense of independence at a young age.

My issue with Tyler being gone is that it leaves me to think too much and to spend a lot of time alone. I do have some very incredible friends to hang out with and some very incredible friends that may be hundreds to thousands of miles away, but they're only one phone call away. And that helps tremendously, I'll never be able to show them the amount of appreciation I have for them. I've realized that the military life is a very different life from civilian life, and I'm just getting started. It's easier for me to talk to the girls that are going through this same experience, but yet it's harder. I don't like to dwell on my thoughts of missing Tyler, I don't like to dwell on being alone. Of course I need a day to cry and scream, but I can handle this. God wouldn't bring me this if he couldn't help me through it. So even though I don't like discussing it, it doesn't mean I don't feel it.

I honestly hate not being able to talk to him. I can handle being away from him, I can handle being independent and figuring things out, like actually making my own appointment to have my car get the oil changed and tires looked at. I can handle taking care of all the bills, taking care of my daughter and the activities she's in, all while working and going to school. I love to be busy. I just hate not being able to talk to him. Every day, when Tyler and I both would get home from work, we would always ask each other how our day at work was. We'd talk about anything and everything. And now I don't have that. So yes, I have many of you that I can talk to, but it's not the same as talking to my husband. And that's what gets to me and makes this hard. Tyler has also told me that's what makes it hard for him, too. I have it easier as I'm home with our daughter, his family and mine, our friends, etc. He's the one going through new experiences while I'm here.

It never gets easier, I'm just used to it now.

And now, I have anxiety of leaving my phone upstairs when I go downstairs to switch out laundry, or leaving it behind the desk to run up to third floor to get ice at work. I have anxiety when it gets to 20% battery and I'm not near a charger. Every time my phone rings, my heart beats so hard that I think it's going to explode.

One day closer, one day stronger.

Keep Calm, my man is a Marine!

Well, Tyler is officially a Marine. Family day and Graduation in San Diego was incredible. And spending 18 days with him was even better. We spent an evening in Denver, we spent a ton of time together doing random things like laying in bed all day or taking Ella bowling. We hung out with Matt and Britt a lot, which was fun and made me dread leaving Valentine. One of the very few things that would keep me here, by the way.

Family Day

 Graduation

He went back to San Diego yesterday for Marine Combat Training. He'll be there for 28 days. He'll more than likely get his phone on the weekends - at least on the third and fourth weekend. Then he'll be off to North Carolina for 13-16 weeks for 1171 training. At that point, I can visit him on weekends that he has liberty. Which, from what I read, is every weekend while at MOS. This obviously leads to us moving about the end of June or beginning of July. He may get Recruiter's Assistance in between MCT and MOS. I'd love to be able to see him in between, but him coming home on leave then going back to more training is very hard on all of us.

Date Night!

First night of freedom after boot camp!

I never realized how hard it was on him. He got to keep his phone until they had to turn them in last night, so I got to talk to him as he was on his layover at the airport then when he was waiting for his bus to Camp Pendleton. He continuously reminded me that he loved me and kept saying how much he missed me already. I kept reminding him that it's training, he'll be so busy soon and Ella and I will be okay. I made it through boot, through writing letters every single day, checking the post office like it was a religion, jumping any time my phone rang, panicking if the battery died. I made it through that just fine. This will be easier, I think. Yeah, there might not be any letters, but there will be weekend phone calls and I know what to expect.

My very, very sexy Marine!

It hasn't gotten easier. I don't think it'll EVER get easier. It's just no longer the unknown. I know how it feels to have that last hug, that last kiss. I know how it feels to watch him walk away. And it sucks, hardcore. But I know what feeling to expect now. I know how I deal with it now. I knew that I wouldn't necessarily lose it until a certain song came on, until I spent way too much time inside my own mind. Then there would come a time where I would just get sick of being weak and I'd get sick of being strong. I'd float right in the middle and have a miniature hissy fit - literally - cry a little, curse the Marine Corp, slam my hands on my steering wheel, pout, and then I'd be fine. And that happened.

Forgot to mention that we got tattoos!

I was going to take a break from school, but that would probably be ridiculous of me. So, I'm going to continue. Within the next month, I need to get back to Omaha to get my Military ID so I can be enrolled in DEERS and snag some financial assistance for it, or I will have to take a break from school. My next 4-5 months is going to be spent concentrating on me, on Tyler, on Ella, on school, work AND packing. I will be loading up on totes - another reason to get to Omaha! Hobby Lobby, Ikea, etc. I wish Omaha had a Container Store, but they don't. Oh well.

Monday evening, our last night together

I guess that's what's going on with us. I miss him terribly but it's not as hard as it was the last time. I now know what to do to keep myself busy. I'm catching up on Parenthood and Nashville, I don't work tomorrow (Ella is sick, sad!) but I work Friday through Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I got two new planners - one for my purse and one for home - so I need to fill those out and start with lists! I am going to rock these next four to give months and get AS MUCH done as I can!

 Because this is how we are!

I talk about you like you hung the stars in the sky.

So, I'm gonna write this now because I feel like I can say a lot more now than I have ever been able to.

A week from now, I'll be in California. I'll have met a few of the girls that I have become best friends with. I'll be counting down the hours and probably too restless to sleep until I see Tyler.

I cannot wait to see him. I cannot even begin to explain what this 3 months apart has done for our relationship. Tyler has told me that I'm his world, that he is in love with me, that he loves me with his whole heart. Words that I have been dying to hear since the moment I fell for him.

You all know that my biological dad has been a piece of shit. That when I say "dad", I'm referring to my step dad. Because unlike my sperm donor, my REAL dad has been there for me every step of the way. Well, since I was 17. And my biggest fear has always been Tyler walking out on me. It's been that way with past relationships, for sure. I always had to be the one walking away. Because if they were to walk away? It'd be a cycle that I could never get out of.

Now, Tyler and I have had our rough spots. I know if you were to talk to any of my friends from Valentine - or Christy - they could tell you all about them. The insane amount of fights, the break ups, the times where I'd scream at him and call him names that should never come out of someones mouth. When I'd throw around the "d" word like it was normal. I have had my fair share of bad girlfriend times, bad fiance times, and definitely bad wife times.

And you wanna know why? Because he wasn't loving me the way I need to be loved. I need to hear the ridiculously cheesy words, the "I love you with all my heart" bullshit that almost makes you gag when you hear it in the movies. And maybe Tyler now understands, after years of me telling him that's what I need.

The thing with Tyler? I can look at him and feel like I'm okay. Like all the stress in my life will be okay because he's here with me, right beside me. His hugs... man, I've said it from the beginning. I told him that the first time we hung out, I wanted a hug from him. I'm a hugger, by the way. Anyone cries at the bar or we become friends, I hug them. I told him that's the first thing I wanted. He showed up to Andy's garage and as soon as we walked out to smoke a cigarette and head to another party, he said, "Come here." And I said, "What?" Because I thought he was going to put the moves on. This early? Come on, you just showed up? And he hugged me. And you wanna know what he said? "You told me that when we hung out for the first time that I had to give you a hug. And here it is." And he wasn't being sarcastic, he wasn't just trying for things he wouldn't get... But he hugged me. And I honestly don't know if he remembers it, but that was the second moment that I knew he was going to be something special in my life.

This man is my everything. And I'm not saying it's going to be perfect from here on out, I know I'm going to get into fights with him. He's an asshole and I'm a bitch, it's bound to happen. But these last 3 months... I've learned a lot. About him, about myself...

There's nothing that I wouldn't do for him. Hell, he told me randomly one day he was going to join the Marines and I said, "Okay." Not because I didn't think he was going to do it, not because I didn't know what to say. Because I knew that if that's what he wanted to do, I would stand beside him every step of the way and we would do it.

I've always wanted to be a military wife. I'm not sure why. I do believe that the fact that my Grandpa retired from it (Navy, then retired from National Guard), my uncle went into the Army and my other uncle retired from the Navy, that all had something to do with me wanting to be a military wife. Tyler always talked about the Air Force, but the moment he said Marines? I can't even explain to you what was going through my mind.

My biological father is a Marine. "Once a Marine, always a Marine." I may hate him for what he has done to me - oh God, here comes the tears... - but he's still my biological dad. I'm not sure what I can say about this... I don't necessarily wish he would've been around more because I wouldn't have my dad, but it still hurts that he walked away from me. When someone you look up to, someone you see as your hero, walks away like it's no big deal? Yup, your heart breaks a little.

And it takes someone incredible for you to see that it's not your fault. That sometimes people that you love and care about so much, when those people walk out of your life, it's for something better to come along. And it's taken me a long, long time to accept that - hell, I don't think I've even accepted it yet. I know I haven't because not too long ago, I had a huge break down about it. And all I wanted was Tyler. Because that man, any time my dad "appeared' out of no where, Tyler was there. I want Tyler to meet him yet I don't because I know Tyler hates him, just because Keith made me feel this way. And I know Tyler doesn't quite understand the pain that I feel because of it... no one really does unless they've been in that situation. But Tyler has always protected me, and he will always protect me. There's never been a doubt in my mind about that. It just hurts still.

Back to what I was saying, in 10 hours, my husband will be a United States Marine. He will have made it through the hardest training that the United States has to offer and he will have the title. The title that he worked so many hours for, went through so much training for. The hours he went through without his wife, without his daughter. And you know why he did this? He did this for us. Not just for him, but for us. As a family. And how can I ever repay that?

So, all this time, my heart absolutely hurts because the ONE man that's supposed to ALWAYS be there for you... my biological dad wasn't there for me.

And then God gave my mom an incredible man named Shane. And Shane, my DAD, led me to this incredible man named Tyler. And he made my dreams come true.

Thanks to Tyler, I now realize what a real dad is supposed to be like, from the very beginning. He has loved me through it all, the moment he held Ella? That may have been the first time he experienced "love at first sight". And I'm okay with that, by the way. But now I realize what I should have had this entire time. And I may hurt because Keith hasn't been there for me, but I have a dad. And I have an incredible husband. And even when we had our differences, he was still there to love our daughter and that makes me see what a true father is, what a true man is.

So I want to thank you all for being there for me through this. For reading just the beginning of our journey. The past five years have not always been easy, but I can tell you that going three months without the man that I have fallen in love with over and over and over again, without my own HERO... that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I know there will be tough times to come, but that's okay. God gave me this battle for a reason, and when I know that Tyler will be holding my hand, and that he'll be looking at me with that smirk, and when he winks at me and tells me I'm his whole world?

Yup. That makes this story worth it.

Sometimes I'm the hero of my story... but there's also this other hero, he just doesn't wear a cape.

Some of you look up to your hero... well, I'm in love with mine.

Semper Fi, forever.

(I apologize that this blog post has been all over the place. Once I get to thinking, my mind goes a mile a minute. If there's something you don't understand and want to know more, just comment or message me. I have no problem explaining my past, I'm an open book.)

One day longer, one day stronger.

Well, ladies & gents, in 10 short days, I will be in California, soakin' up some sunshine. I'll be within a mile from my husband and probably going absolutely insane. Then it'll be just one more sleep and I'll see him for 5 hours. Then one more sleep and he's MINE for 10 days!

He got his orders and he'll also have 7 days of RA, which is Recruiter's Assistance. That will be after his 10 days of leave. He'll be reporting to North Platte - two hours away - for that week. But, we'll be able to attend district wrestling!

I cannot believe we are this close. And it's just going to get better.

I have a list written out for everything I need to take, including Tyler's clothing. I'm just going to check a bag so I have plenty of room for all of our stuff.

I am so excited. I'm just as excited to surprise Ella as I am to see him. My heart literally aches in anticipation.

I don't have much more to say. Out of the 10 days, I work 8 of them. I have Thursday and Friday off, which will be spent washing clothes and bringing stuff to the storage unit that's unnecessary to have in the house right now. I'll be working ahead on my homework that way I hopefully will not have to take my laptop with to do homework.

Other than that, I'm set. It seems so surreal that we're getting this close, yet it's still 10 days. These days have been going by a lot quicker and I know I'm going to run out of time to get things done. All I need is his arms around me, his lips on mine. I can't wait to just look into his eyes, see his smirk. Eeek! It's like falling in love, all over again.

Things have been going well. I've been awfully busy lately, but that's good. I wrote him one last long love letter that he'll hopefully receive after the Crucible.

WHICH, pleaseeee pray for my husband and the whole Fox company. They leave today for the Crucible. Tomorrow is the gas chamber then at 2am on Tuesday morning, they begin their long journey.

"The Crucible is a test every recruit must go through to become a Marine. It tests every recruit physically, mentally and morally and is the defining experience of recruit training.
The Crucible takes place over 54-hours and includes food and sleep deprivation and over 45 miles of marching. The Crucible event pits teams of recruits against a barrage of day and night events requiring every recruit to work together to solve problems, overcome obstacles, and help each other along the way.

The obstacles they face include long marches, combat assault courses, the leadership reaction course, and the team-building warrior stations.

Each Warrior Station is named for a Marine hero whose actions epitomize the values the USMC wants recruits to adopt.

Bottom line -- The Crucible is a rite of passage that, through shared sacrifice, recruits will never forget. With that memory and their core values learned in recruit training, they can draw upon the experience to face any challenge in their path."

I have a lot of faith in my man that he'll be able to get through it, no problem. They still need our prayers!

Sorry this is short... I've been racking my brain for the past two days on what I should write and I just cannot come up with anything.

We're almost there.

One day longer, one day stronger.

Goodbye 2013, hello 2014.

I apologize for the very rare updates that I've been giving you all. It seems like I rarely have anything interesting or worth updating for.

I will say first that 2013 wasn't my finest. Alcohol and I became rather close, almost as close as we were in 2008. I lost sight of what was important to me. I lost sight of who I wanted to be. I wasn't the wife I should've been, and no, that doesn't include infidelity or anything of the sort. I probably wasn't the best mom, either. Tyler and I both turned 24, we celebrated our one year anniversary, and Ella turned 4. Tyler shipped out on November 4th and I spent my first round of holidays without the man that I had spent the last 5 years of Christmas' with. We began a new adventure together and I pray to God that this is what we needed to become that same couple that everyone adored.

Christmas went well. I stayed at the hotel Tuesday through Saturday, Ella was ridiculously spoiled as always, and so was I. We started off the holiday with my dad's side and the Hanson side on Christmas Eve. It was a very long day, as I worked 7a-3p that day also. Ella and I spent our night at the hotel and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. We got a lot of sleep and got to wake up on Christmas together. The only thing I would've changed is that Tyler would've been with us. Christmas day was spent between the Jackson's and my parents. Of course, my parents went over board since Tyler isn't here. They completed my gifts with the Garth Brooks Box set, which made me cry. The Ultimate Hits CD One has not left my CD player in my car since. I have had some sort of an obsession with him since I was 7 years old after I attended my first concert of his. After losing over two thousand songs after my computer crashed, I lost all the music I had of his. And if anyone is remotely interested, good luck finding any of Garth Brooks' originals on YouTube. So, thanks to this box set, my collection on iTunes has been restored without dishing out my credit card number.

After that episode passed, my mom handed me a card. "We will be buying your plane ticket to Tyler's Graduation" was written on the inside. I'm all choked up even writing about it. It was probably the sweetest and most thoughtful gift I've ever gotten. They definitely know what means most to me.

Ella was spoiled rotten, as stated above. I couldn't even name all the things she got but she did get a Buzz doll and a Woody doll that never leave her side now. My parents are bomb. I actually found them on JcPenney's for super cheap and alerted my mom immediately. She jumped on that one and got them for $40 total!

I did have somewhat of an emotional breakdown later that night. Tyler was able to call me, of course after I had left the house and headed to the House of Funk with friends for a traditional Christmas cocktail. I felt horrible that he couldn't talk to Ella, again. I felt so bad. I knew it was going to happen, too. She had fallen asleep a few minutes before I left and I even told Danielle, "The moment I leave the house is the moment he'll call." And he did. I talked to him for 10 minutes, and it just seemed surreal the entire time. It's to the point now where it feels like Tyler is a figment of my imagination. It's not always like this, but some times... it is. I feel like he's not there anymore, that he's part of this twisted dream of mine and I'm going to continue chasing after him and it'll just never become anything. How sadistic of me. I know it's not true, obviously. It's just this weird state of mind that I've been in for over a month now.

Obviously, I'm incredibly in love with him. Each of his letters make me cry; especially after seeing how sweet he has become. I can't wait for him to be a Marine, for him to be in my arms again.

Everyone tells me how strong I am. I don't understand it, I guess. I'm his wife. This is what I'm supposed to do, right? Support his every dream, fight his every fear, love him with everything that I have? It's normal to me. Normal to go through this with him. I could never tell him no, I could never just walk away from him. This may not have been the life I planned, but what are plans anyway? Man, I'm in a mood tonight.

On the bright side, Tyler got expert on his rifle qualifications. The good ole Midwest has taught my man a thing or two. He's doing well, he's ready to be home with his wife and daughter. The mind games don't seem to effect him much, just the separation.

I start a new round of courses at CTU tomorrow. American Corrections and Psychology: Understanding Individuals. I've already started looking into both courses and they seem  to be fun and challenging. Definitely something to keep me busy for the month of January, along with working and taking care of my little girl.

That's my life these days. I'm down to 25 days until I see that handsome, blue eyed boy and his insanely gorgeous smile. Plane tickets are bought, room will be reserved on Monday. I have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. I never, ever thought I could love someone with every fiber of my being. But I sure can.