So, I'm gonna write this now because I feel like I can say a lot more now than I have ever been able to.
A week from now, I'll be in California. I'll have met a few of the girls that I have become best friends with. I'll be counting down the hours and probably too restless to sleep until I see Tyler.
I cannot wait to see him. I cannot even begin to explain what this 3 months apart has done for our relationship. Tyler has told me that I'm his world, that he is in love with me, that he loves me with his whole heart. Words that I have been dying to hear since the moment I fell for him.
You all know that my biological dad has been a piece of shit. That when I say "dad", I'm referring to my step dad. Because unlike my sperm donor, my REAL dad has been there for me every step of the way. Well, since I was 17. And my biggest fear has always been Tyler walking out on me. It's been that way with past relationships, for sure. I always had to be the one walking away. Because if they were to walk away? It'd be a cycle that I could never get out of.
Now, Tyler and I have had our rough spots. I know if you were to talk to any of my friends from Valentine - or Christy - they could tell you all about them. The insane amount of fights, the break ups, the times where I'd scream at him and call him names that should never come out of someones mouth. When I'd throw around the "d" word like it was normal. I have had my fair share of bad girlfriend times, bad fiance times, and definitely bad wife times.
And you wanna know why? Because he wasn't loving me the way I need to be loved. I need to hear the ridiculously cheesy words, the "I love you with all my heart" bullshit that almost makes you gag when you hear it in the movies. And maybe Tyler now understands, after years of me telling him that's what I need.
The thing with Tyler? I can look at him and feel like I'm okay. Like all the stress in my life will be okay because he's here with me, right beside me. His hugs... man, I've said it from the beginning. I told him that the first time we hung out, I wanted a hug from him. I'm a hugger, by the way. Anyone cries at the bar or we become friends, I hug them. I told him that's the first thing I wanted. He showed up to Andy's garage and as soon as we walked out to smoke a cigarette and head to another party, he said, "Come here." And I said, "What?" Because I thought he was going to put the moves on. This early? Come on, you just showed up? And he hugged me. And you wanna know what he said? "You told me that when we hung out for the first time that I had to give you a hug. And here it is." And he wasn't being sarcastic, he wasn't just trying for things he wouldn't get... But he hugged me. And I honestly don't know if he remembers it, but that was the second moment that I knew he was going to be something special in my life.
This man is my everything. And I'm not saying it's going to be perfect from here on out, I know I'm going to get into fights with him. He's an asshole and I'm a bitch, it's bound to happen. But these last 3 months... I've learned a lot. About him, about myself...
There's nothing that I wouldn't do for him. Hell, he told me randomly one day he was going to join the Marines and I said, "Okay." Not because I didn't think he was going to do it, not because I didn't know what to say. Because I knew that if that's what he wanted to do, I would stand beside him every step of the way and we would do it.
I've always wanted to be a military wife. I'm not sure why. I do believe that the fact that my Grandpa retired from it (Navy, then retired from National Guard), my uncle went into the Army and my other uncle retired from the Navy, that all had something to do with me wanting to be a military wife. Tyler always talked about the Air Force, but the moment he said Marines? I can't even explain to you what was going through my mind.
My biological father is a Marine. "Once a Marine, always a Marine." I may hate him for what he has done to me - oh God, here comes the tears... - but he's still my biological dad. I'm not sure what I can say about this... I don't necessarily wish he would've been around more because I wouldn't have my dad, but it still hurts that he walked away from me. When someone you look up to, someone you see as your hero, walks away like it's no big deal? Yup, your heart breaks a little.
And it takes someone incredible for you to see that it's not your fault. That sometimes people that you love and care about so much, when those people walk out of your life, it's for something better to come along. And it's taken me a long, long time to accept that - hell, I don't think I've even accepted it yet. I know I haven't because not too long ago, I had a huge break down about it. And all I wanted was Tyler. Because that man, any time my dad "appeared' out of no where, Tyler was there. I want Tyler to meet him yet I don't because I know Tyler hates him, just because Keith made me feel this way. And I know Tyler doesn't quite understand the pain that I feel because of it... no one really does unless they've been in that situation. But Tyler has always protected me, and he will always protect me. There's never been a doubt in my mind about that. It just hurts still.
Back to what I was saying, in 10 hours, my husband will be a United States Marine. He will have made it through the hardest training that the United States has to offer and he will have the title. The title that he worked so many hours for, went through so much training for. The hours he went through without his wife, without his daughter. And you know why he did this? He did this for us. Not just for him, but for us. As a family. And how can I ever repay that?
So, all this time, my heart absolutely hurts because the ONE man that's supposed to ALWAYS be there for you... my biological dad wasn't there for me.
And then God gave my mom an incredible man named Shane. And Shane, my DAD, led me to this incredible man named Tyler. And he made my dreams come true.
Thanks to Tyler, I now realize what a real dad is supposed to be like, from the very beginning. He has loved me through it all, the moment he held Ella? That may have been the first time he experienced "love at first sight". And I'm okay with that, by the way. But now I realize what I should have had this entire time. And I may hurt because Keith hasn't been there for me, but I have a dad. And I have an incredible husband. And even when we had our differences, he was still there to love our daughter and that makes me see what a true father is, what a true man is.
So I want to thank you all for being there for me through this. For reading just the beginning of our journey. The past five years have not always been easy, but I can tell you that going three months without the man that I have fallen in love with over and over and over again, without my own HERO... that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I know there will be tough times to come, but that's okay. God gave me this battle for a reason, and when I know that Tyler will be holding my hand, and that he'll be looking at me with that smirk, and when he winks at me and tells me I'm his whole world?
Yup. That makes this story worth it.
Sometimes I'm the hero of my story... but there's also this other hero, he just doesn't wear a cape.
Some of you look up to your hero... well, I'm in love with mine.
Semper Fi, forever.
(I apologize that this blog post has been all over the place. Once I get to thinking, my mind goes a mile a minute. If there's something you don't understand and want to know more, just comment or message me. I have no problem explaining my past, I'm an open book.)
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