I was able to talk to Tyler last Sunday, which really helped with me missing him. I love being able to talk to him, it calms me down a lot.
I've been having a rough week, which I'm sure most of it can be blamed on hormones. Fabulous. So, here's to being honest:
I have been feeling such mixed emotions lately. I am glad that Tyler joined the USMC as it gives him something to be proud of, it gives him a job to do that will get not only him, but his family, out of a town that makes you feel like you can't get ahead of the game. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I would be content working at a hotel for another 5 years or so. But that's not what I want to do with my life. Resort management, yes. Working at a small, privately owned hotel, not so much. I'm excited that because of his sacrifices for our family, we're getting out of Valentine - even if it's only for four years. Which we've discussed that if - and when - he gets out of the USMC, I am okay with coming back to Nebraska. It's not ideal to me, I leave a piece of my heart in every place I visit and I'm pretty sure I belong in either Sioux Falls, SD or Denver, CO. I would even say a piece of me belongs in sunny California. But if we come back to Nebraska, we can put our roots down in Kearney, and I would be just fine with that.
So, while I'm proud of him and happy for him, I'm still frustrated with it. It's so hard to get my jumbled thoughts out and make sense of it all, so I'll try. This might be all over the place.
I am a very strong person, emotionally and mentally. I have had a biological father that has been in and out of my life, which left my mom to be my sole provider. I would never, ever change that and I'm not asking for pity. My point is that my mom had to work a full time job and where we lived, she made the most out of her talents by working in the city which happened to be 45 minutes away. After school, I was "on my own" for at least two hours, sometimes more. And I learned a lot. I am thankful for how much I learned during that time and I would never hold it against my mom, ever. I gained a sense of independence at a young age.
My issue with Tyler being gone is that it leaves me to think too much and to spend a lot of time alone. I do have some very incredible friends to hang out with and some very incredible friends that may be hundreds to thousands of miles away, but they're only one phone call away. And that helps tremendously, I'll never be able to show them the amount of appreciation I have for them. I've realized that the military life is a very different life from civilian life, and I'm just getting started. It's easier for me to talk to the girls that are going through this same experience, but yet it's harder. I don't like to dwell on my thoughts of missing Tyler, I don't like to dwell on being alone. Of course I need a day to cry and scream, but I can handle this. God wouldn't bring me this if he couldn't help me through it. So even though I don't like discussing it, it doesn't mean I don't feel it.
I honestly hate not being able to talk to him. I can handle being away from him, I can handle being independent and figuring things out, like actually making my own appointment to have my car get the oil changed and tires looked at. I can handle taking care of all the bills, taking care of my daughter and the activities she's in, all while working and going to school. I love to be busy. I just hate not being able to talk to him. Every day, when Tyler and I both would get home from work, we would always ask each other how our day at work was. We'd talk about anything and everything. And now I don't have that. So yes, I have many of you that I can talk to, but it's not the same as talking to my husband. And that's what gets to me and makes this hard. Tyler has also told me that's what makes it hard for him, too. I have it easier as I'm home with our daughter, his family and mine, our friends, etc. He's the one going through new experiences while I'm here.
It never gets easier, I'm just used to it now.
And now, I have anxiety of leaving my phone upstairs when I go downstairs to switch out laundry, or leaving it behind the desk to run up to third floor to get ice at work. I have anxiety when it gets to 20% battery and I'm not near a charger. Every time my phone rings, my heart beats so hard that I think it's going to explode.
One day closer, one day stronger.
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