Goodbye 2013, hello 2014.

I apologize for the very rare updates that I've been giving you all. It seems like I rarely have anything interesting or worth updating for.

I will say first that 2013 wasn't my finest. Alcohol and I became rather close, almost as close as we were in 2008. I lost sight of what was important to me. I lost sight of who I wanted to be. I wasn't the wife I should've been, and no, that doesn't include infidelity or anything of the sort. I probably wasn't the best mom, either. Tyler and I both turned 24, we celebrated our one year anniversary, and Ella turned 4. Tyler shipped out on November 4th and I spent my first round of holidays without the man that I had spent the last 5 years of Christmas' with. We began a new adventure together and I pray to God that this is what we needed to become that same couple that everyone adored.

Christmas went well. I stayed at the hotel Tuesday through Saturday, Ella was ridiculously spoiled as always, and so was I. We started off the holiday with my dad's side and the Hanson side on Christmas Eve. It was a very long day, as I worked 7a-3p that day also. Ella and I spent our night at the hotel and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. We got a lot of sleep and got to wake up on Christmas together. The only thing I would've changed is that Tyler would've been with us. Christmas day was spent between the Jackson's and my parents. Of course, my parents went over board since Tyler isn't here. They completed my gifts with the Garth Brooks Box set, which made me cry. The Ultimate Hits CD One has not left my CD player in my car since. I have had some sort of an obsession with him since I was 7 years old after I attended my first concert of his. After losing over two thousand songs after my computer crashed, I lost all the music I had of his. And if anyone is remotely interested, good luck finding any of Garth Brooks' originals on YouTube. So, thanks to this box set, my collection on iTunes has been restored without dishing out my credit card number.

After that episode passed, my mom handed me a card. "We will be buying your plane ticket to Tyler's Graduation" was written on the inside. I'm all choked up even writing about it. It was probably the sweetest and most thoughtful gift I've ever gotten. They definitely know what means most to me.

Ella was spoiled rotten, as stated above. I couldn't even name all the things she got but she did get a Buzz doll and a Woody doll that never leave her side now. My parents are bomb. I actually found them on JcPenney's for super cheap and alerted my mom immediately. She jumped on that one and got them for $40 total!

I did have somewhat of an emotional breakdown later that night. Tyler was able to call me, of course after I had left the house and headed to the House of Funk with friends for a traditional Christmas cocktail. I felt horrible that he couldn't talk to Ella, again. I felt so bad. I knew it was going to happen, too. She had fallen asleep a few minutes before I left and I even told Danielle, "The moment I leave the house is the moment he'll call." And he did. I talked to him for 10 minutes, and it just seemed surreal the entire time. It's to the point now where it feels like Tyler is a figment of my imagination. It's not always like this, but some times... it is. I feel like he's not there anymore, that he's part of this twisted dream of mine and I'm going to continue chasing after him and it'll just never become anything. How sadistic of me. I know it's not true, obviously. It's just this weird state of mind that I've been in for over a month now.

Obviously, I'm incredibly in love with him. Each of his letters make me cry; especially after seeing how sweet he has become. I can't wait for him to be a Marine, for him to be in my arms again.

Everyone tells me how strong I am. I don't understand it, I guess. I'm his wife. This is what I'm supposed to do, right? Support his every dream, fight his every fear, love him with everything that I have? It's normal to me. Normal to go through this with him. I could never tell him no, I could never just walk away from him. This may not have been the life I planned, but what are plans anyway? Man, I'm in a mood tonight.

On the bright side, Tyler got expert on his rifle qualifications. The good ole Midwest has taught my man a thing or two. He's doing well, he's ready to be home with his wife and daughter. The mind games don't seem to effect him much, just the separation.

I start a new round of courses at CTU tomorrow. American Corrections and Psychology: Understanding Individuals. I've already started looking into both courses and they seem  to be fun and challenging. Definitely something to keep me busy for the month of January, along with working and taking care of my little girl.

That's my life these days. I'm down to 25 days until I see that handsome, blue eyed boy and his insanely gorgeous smile. Plane tickets are bought, room will be reserved on Monday. I have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. I never, ever thought I could love someone with every fiber of my being. But I sure can.