I was able to talk to Tyler last Sunday, which really helped with me missing him. I love being able to talk to him, it calms me down a lot.
I've been having a rough week, which I'm sure most of it can be blamed on hormones. Fabulous. So, here's to being honest:
I have been feeling such mixed emotions lately. I am glad that Tyler joined the USMC as it gives him something to be proud of, it gives him a job to do that will get not only him, but his family, out of a town that makes you feel like you can't get ahead of the game. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I would be content working at a hotel for another 5 years or so. But that's not what I want to do with my life. Resort management, yes. Working at a small, privately owned hotel, not so much. I'm excited that because of his sacrifices for our family, we're getting out of Valentine - even if it's only for four years. Which we've discussed that if - and when - he gets out of the USMC, I am okay with coming back to Nebraska. It's not ideal to me, I leave a piece of my heart in every place I visit and I'm pretty sure I belong in either Sioux Falls, SD or Denver, CO. I would even say a piece of me belongs in sunny California. But if we come back to Nebraska, we can put our roots down in Kearney, and I would be just fine with that.
So, while I'm proud of him and happy for him, I'm still frustrated with it. It's so hard to get my jumbled thoughts out and make sense of it all, so I'll try. This might be all over the place.
I am a very strong person, emotionally and mentally. I have had a biological father that has been in and out of my life, which left my mom to be my sole provider. I would never, ever change that and I'm not asking for pity. My point is that my mom had to work a full time job and where we lived, she made the most out of her talents by working in the city which happened to be 45 minutes away. After school, I was "on my own" for at least two hours, sometimes more. And I learned a lot. I am thankful for how much I learned during that time and I would never hold it against my mom, ever. I gained a sense of independence at a young age.
My issue with Tyler being gone is that it leaves me to think too much and to spend a lot of time alone. I do have some very incredible friends to hang out with and some very incredible friends that may be hundreds to thousands of miles away, but they're only one phone call away. And that helps tremendously, I'll never be able to show them the amount of appreciation I have for them. I've realized that the military life is a very different life from civilian life, and I'm just getting started. It's easier for me to talk to the girls that are going through this same experience, but yet it's harder. I don't like to dwell on my thoughts of missing Tyler, I don't like to dwell on being alone. Of course I need a day to cry and scream, but I can handle this. God wouldn't bring me this if he couldn't help me through it. So even though I don't like discussing it, it doesn't mean I don't feel it.
I honestly hate not being able to talk to him. I can handle being away from him, I can handle being independent and figuring things out, like actually making my own appointment to have my car get the oil changed and tires looked at. I can handle taking care of all the bills, taking care of my daughter and the activities she's in, all while working and going to school. I love to be busy. I just hate not being able to talk to him. Every day, when Tyler and I both would get home from work, we would always ask each other how our day at work was. We'd talk about anything and everything. And now I don't have that. So yes, I have many of you that I can talk to, but it's not the same as talking to my husband. And that's what gets to me and makes this hard. Tyler has also told me that's what makes it hard for him, too. I have it easier as I'm home with our daughter, his family and mine, our friends, etc. He's the one going through new experiences while I'm here.
It never gets easier, I'm just used to it now.
And now, I have anxiety of leaving my phone upstairs when I go downstairs to switch out laundry, or leaving it behind the desk to run up to third floor to get ice at work. I have anxiety when it gets to 20% battery and I'm not near a charger. Every time my phone rings, my heart beats so hard that I think it's going to explode.
One day closer, one day stronger.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Keep Calm, my man is a Marine!
Well, Tyler is officially a Marine. Family day and Graduation in San Diego was incredible. And spending 18 days with him was even better. We spent an evening in Denver, we spent a ton of time together doing random things like laying in bed all day or taking Ella bowling. We hung out with Matt and Britt a lot, which was fun and made me dread leaving Valentine. One of the very few things that would keep me here, by the way.
He went back to San Diego yesterday for Marine Combat Training. He'll be there for 28 days. He'll more than likely get his phone on the weekends - at least on the third and fourth weekend. Then he'll be off to North Carolina for 13-16 weeks for 1171 training. At that point, I can visit him on weekends that he has liberty. Which, from what I read, is every weekend while at MOS. This obviously leads to us moving about the end of June or beginning of July. He may get Recruiter's Assistance in between MCT and MOS. I'd love to be able to see him in between, but him coming home on leave then going back to more training is very hard on all of us.
I never realized how hard it was on him. He got to keep his phone until they had to turn them in last night, so I got to talk to him as he was on his layover at the airport then when he was waiting for his bus to Camp Pendleton. He continuously reminded me that he loved me and kept saying how much he missed me already. I kept reminding him that it's training, he'll be so busy soon and Ella and I will be okay. I made it through boot, through writing letters every single day, checking the post office like it was a religion, jumping any time my phone rang, panicking if the battery died. I made it through that just fine. This will be easier, I think. Yeah, there might not be any letters, but there will be weekend phone calls and I know what to expect.
It hasn't gotten easier. I don't think it'll EVER get easier. It's just no longer the unknown. I know how it feels to have that last hug, that last kiss. I know how it feels to watch him walk away. And it sucks, hardcore. But I know what feeling to expect now. I know how I deal with it now. I knew that I wouldn't necessarily lose it until a certain song came on, until I spent way too much time inside my own mind. Then there would come a time where I would just get sick of being weak and I'd get sick of being strong. I'd float right in the middle and have a miniature hissy fit - literally - cry a little, curse the Marine Corp, slam my hands on my steering wheel, pout, and then I'd be fine. And that happened.
I was going to take a break from school, but that would probably be ridiculous of me. So, I'm going to continue. Within the next month, I need to get back to Omaha to get my Military ID so I can be enrolled in DEERS and snag some financial assistance for it, or I will have to take a break from school. My next 4-5 months is going to be spent concentrating on me, on Tyler, on Ella, on school, work AND packing. I will be loading up on totes - another reason to get to Omaha! Hobby Lobby, Ikea, etc. I wish Omaha had a Container Store, but they don't. Oh well.
I guess that's what's going on with us. I miss him terribly but it's not as hard as it was the last time. I now know what to do to keep myself busy. I'm catching up on Parenthood and Nashville, I don't work tomorrow (Ella is sick, sad!) but I work Friday through Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I got two new planners - one for my purse and one for home - so I need to fill those out and start with lists! I am going to rock these next four to give months and get AS MUCH done as I can!
Family Day
Graduation
He went back to San Diego yesterday for Marine Combat Training. He'll be there for 28 days. He'll more than likely get his phone on the weekends - at least on the third and fourth weekend. Then he'll be off to North Carolina for 13-16 weeks for 1171 training. At that point, I can visit him on weekends that he has liberty. Which, from what I read, is every weekend while at MOS. This obviously leads to us moving about the end of June or beginning of July. He may get Recruiter's Assistance in between MCT and MOS. I'd love to be able to see him in between, but him coming home on leave then going back to more training is very hard on all of us.
Date Night!
First night of freedom after boot camp!
I never realized how hard it was on him. He got to keep his phone until they had to turn them in last night, so I got to talk to him as he was on his layover at the airport then when he was waiting for his bus to Camp Pendleton. He continuously reminded me that he loved me and kept saying how much he missed me already. I kept reminding him that it's training, he'll be so busy soon and Ella and I will be okay. I made it through boot, through writing letters every single day, checking the post office like it was a religion, jumping any time my phone rang, panicking if the battery died. I made it through that just fine. This will be easier, I think. Yeah, there might not be any letters, but there will be weekend phone calls and I know what to expect.
My very, very sexy Marine!
It hasn't gotten easier. I don't think it'll EVER get easier. It's just no longer the unknown. I know how it feels to have that last hug, that last kiss. I know how it feels to watch him walk away. And it sucks, hardcore. But I know what feeling to expect now. I know how I deal with it now. I knew that I wouldn't necessarily lose it until a certain song came on, until I spent way too much time inside my own mind. Then there would come a time where I would just get sick of being weak and I'd get sick of being strong. I'd float right in the middle and have a miniature hissy fit - literally - cry a little, curse the Marine Corp, slam my hands on my steering wheel, pout, and then I'd be fine. And that happened.
Forgot to mention that we got tattoos!
I was going to take a break from school, but that would probably be ridiculous of me. So, I'm going to continue. Within the next month, I need to get back to Omaha to get my Military ID so I can be enrolled in DEERS and snag some financial assistance for it, or I will have to take a break from school. My next 4-5 months is going to be spent concentrating on me, on Tyler, on Ella, on school, work AND packing. I will be loading up on totes - another reason to get to Omaha! Hobby Lobby, Ikea, etc. I wish Omaha had a Container Store, but they don't. Oh well.
Monday evening, our last night together
I guess that's what's going on with us. I miss him terribly but it's not as hard as it was the last time. I now know what to do to keep myself busy. I'm catching up on Parenthood and Nashville, I don't work tomorrow (Ella is sick, sad!) but I work Friday through Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I got two new planners - one for my purse and one for home - so I need to fill those out and start with lists! I am going to rock these next four to give months and get AS MUCH done as I can!
Because this is how we are!
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